Elementary
by VergofTowels
Summary: A vicious tea party murder. A charming and intelligent detective. His lovely Vulcan sidekick. Will the crime ever be solved? K/S preslash maybe Contains crack and kid!s. Ch. 3: Jim and Spock question their prime suspect: Bones!
1. Chapter 1

The idea for this fic is wholly my sister's, but as soon as she told me the idea, I had to write it. Do not be alarmed, then, if you see a similar fic posted soon (by TubularFox), because she's going to write her own version as well. She's a genius. XD

Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek!

* * *

"Would you like more tea, Mr. Spock?"

"Yes, please. Scone?"

"Of course."

"Oh brother." Bones crossed his arms and leaned against the door frame of his hotel room, currently occupied by two children who used to be his superior officers. Jim had somehow contrived to have a tea party, complete with miniature table, chairs, and dolls. Spock had consented, calling it eminently logical, and had contributed his tea set. Where it had all come from… Now there was a mystery.

"I think it's cute," said Uhura, bringing the boys a tray of cookies. She and Chapel had been cooking all morning for their game, seemingly not at all worried by the startling transformation. "We should enjoy it while it lasts. After all, Doctor Stevens said the ray would wear off in a few hours. It's just a bit of fun." She set the peanut butter goodies down before Jim.

"Would you like a cookie, Mrs. Bones?" asked Kirk, attempting to give one to a Raggedy-Ann type doll in a nurse's hat.

"Leave me out of it!" grumbled the doctor, turning away. Uhura's laughter followed him down the hall.

---

"Mr. Spock, this teapot is simply delightful," said Kirk, doing his best to sound cultured. At six years old, he was being more ridiculous than he could ever know, but that didn't trouble him at the moment. He adjusted again the top hat that kept falling over his eyes.

"Thank you. It was a gift from my mother," said the nine-year-old, willing to enjoy the occasion. He smoothed down the skirt Kirk had fetched for him to wear, still not quite understanding why he was the girl. "The china is of the highest quality."

"I see," said Kirk, taking and examining the pot before pouring himself another cup of iced tea. Or trying to. The teapot was empty. "It seems we must make another pot, Mr. Spock."

"Indeed. Shall we proceed?" He stood up and took the pot from Kirk as the boy threaded their arms together. As a stately couple, or as stately as a pair of young boys could get, they left the room in search of more liquid, leaving it unguarded behind them.

---

"It's just a form of recreation on this planet," said embassy doctor Francis Stevens. "Lord Veelin was of the opinion that the captain knew of the ray before he used it. There aren't any side effects and the whole thing will be fine by morning."

"Well, good," said Bones, shaking his head. "Then I guess I can get back to some real work. Sulu and Chekov, you can look after them." He headed for the door. "Just let me know if anything bad happens. Like it inevitably will."

"Yes sir," said Sulu, smiling amusedly. "You can count on us." He poked Pavel. "Let's get pictures. For blackmail."

"Zat iz not wery nice," replied the boy, looking more like he wanted to play babysitter. Sulu sighed.

"Right. Well, let's go find 'em. Probably shouldn't let them wander around alone. Not when one of 'em's the captain."

---

"I have obtained a suitable amount of tea," said Spock, placing the top gently back onto the teapot. He had filled it from a plastic pitcher of iced tea on Uhura's table. She hadn't been around to do it herself. "We should return. I believe that Bunny and Mr. Wobbles will wonder where we are."

"You're right," said Jim, pushing his top hat up again. "Let's go." He took Spock's arm again and they set off down the hall. After a moment, Jim frowned. "You walk too fast. You need to walk like a lady."

"But I am not a lady," Spock said, a slight crease forming between his eyebrows.

"You're wearing a skirt," pointed out Jim.

"You asked me to," said Spock, very confused.

"Because you're the lady."

Luckily, before the discussion could dissolve into a most uncultured fight, the two reached Bones' room and found the door ajar. Carefully, they peeked in.

"Oh no!" shrieked Jim, tearing away from his very fashionable companion. "Ms. Lalala!" She was lying prone on the carpet, arms akimbo. Her blank eyes stared up at the ceiling, seeming to be made of glass.

Her head was separated from her body and had rolled several feet away.

She had been murdered.

* * *

DUN dun DUNNNNN.... Reviews make me happy.


	2. Chapter 2

Here we go with the second chapter! This may update erratically, but I'll get it done. Don't worry. XD

Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek!

* * *

"All right," said Kirk, crossing his arms. He took an authoritative step forward. "You've all seen the damage." He swept his arm out to indicate the crime scene behind him. "One of _you_ did this… And none of you are leaving this hotel until I find out who!"

"Oh for cryin' out loud."

It wasn't exactly the terrified cry Kirk was hoping for.

"Jim, I've got work to do. Real work. Up on the starship you're supposed to be captain of." Bones shook his head. "I don't have time to play games." He headed for the door.

"Spock!"

Spock closed the door to the room before Bones could reach it, calmly surveying the rest of the suspects for their reactions. They ranged from amusement to exasperation. He didn't see anxiety, or fear. Interesting.

"Now then. As I was saying. If anyone leaves this hotel, I'll have them arrested." He paused. "I can do that, you know. I'm a captain."

"Quite right," put in Spock. He adjusted his skirt so it fell flatter against his legs. And then he wondered when he could take it off.

"Okay, then. We'll be here," said Uhura, trying to hide her laughter behind an upraised hand. "Do you want me to fix, um, Ms. Lalala before I go?"

"This is a crime scene! Only Spock and I will be allowed in, _Lieutenant_." Kirk's tone immediately turned to suspicious. "Or was there something you left behind? Like a murder weapon?"

Uhura frowned. "No. Well, fine. You can fix her yourself." She joined Bones by the door, muttering something about _boys_.

"Spock and I shall commence the investigation. You just sit pretty until we get some answers." Kirk motioned for Spock to open the door, which he did, and they both watched the suspects file out. "Right then. What does this look like to you?" Kirk crossed the room to look pityingly down at Ms. Lalala's decapitated body.

"Judging from her position relative to the chair, I believe she was knocked backward with some force. There is no wound, so I believe that the weapon was a blunt object, perhaps even someone's foot. The force would have to be great enough to cause…" Spock paused. "Are you listening?"

"Of course, my dear," said Kirk, adjusting his deerstalker cap. "Please continue."

"Where did you get that?" Spock raised an eyebrow as Kirk also drew a bubble-pipe from his pocket.

"Not important."

"…The force would have to be great enough to cause decapitation when her body hit the ground."

"Yes, I see," murmured Kirk, puffing at his pipe. "We need to look for clues, now. You start over there."

"Very well." Spock walked to the far wall and began to examine the room's décor. It was unremarkable, just a queen-sized bed, a desk, and a chair by the floor lamp. Spock started at the bed, examining every inch of the slightly-mussed covers, the rumpled pillows, and the unremarkable space beneath. So far, it didn't look promising on the clue front.

"I think a man must have slept here recently," declared Kirk, sagely. Spock looked at him.

"No doubt. This is the doctor's room." He shook his head slightly. "Until this morning, the doctor _was_ sleeping here. May I remove my skirt, now?"

"I don't see how stripping will help us solve the case, Spock." Kirk pulled back his hat so he could scratch his head in ponderment. Then he seemed to have an epiphany! "Spock, do you think Bones did it? He was awfully quick to leave, wasn't he?"

"I believe the doctor had an earnest desire to complete his medical records," replied Spock. At Kirk's disheartened expression, he sighed imperceptibly. "But he is our prime suspect."

"Right. Does that mean that Mrs. Bones was an accomplice?" cried Kirk, glaring down at the doll where she sat at the tea table.

"I do not believe so."

"How are you so sure?" asked Kirk, eyeing Spock. He blew a bubble from his pipe.

"She lacks the ability to move on her own."

"…Oh yeah."

"Let us question the doctor and find out what he knows." The two headed toward the hotel coffee lounge, trailed by a growing mass of bubbles.

* * *

Next time: the interrogation of Bones! Reviews are love. ;)


	3. Chapter 3

Yeah, I don't know what's up with this story. XDD

Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek!

* * *

Doctor McCoy usually believed himself a fairly reasonable person. He put up with the pointless maladies of his four-hundred and thirty coworkers, and the serious ones besides. He gave the massively intelligent (but still somehow harebrained) captain advice when he needed it. He listened to Spock, and at least half the time he was even civil! He didn't even complain about using the transporters. That much.

But this was ridiculous.

"For the last time, I did not murder your doll. Jim, I hope to God you remember this, because you are going to owe me. A lot." Bones leaned across the table with a menacing look on his face, but Kirk didn't back down.

"Where were you on the night of the fifteenth?!" The six-year-old pounded his fist on the table. "Answer the question before I have to get mean with you…"

"Jim, the fifteenth was four days ago. That doesn't have anything to do with anything!"

Kirk considered this. "So you've seen through my ploy. In that case, we'll move on to the _real_ reason you're here." He slapped a glossy photo of Ms. Lalala onto the table before the doctor. "Do you know her?"

Bones pretended to study the photo, then sarcastically raised an eyebrow. "Yeah."

"She's dead now!"

"I know that! I was at the scene of the crime!"

"Oh _were_ you?" Kirk got a maniacal glint in his eye and stood up on his chair. "Spock! Get ready to take notes!"

The Vulcan sadly put down the little gray cat he'd found and took out a padd and stylus.

"I'm ready, Captain."

"You say you were at the murder scene. Are you confessing to killing Ms. Lalala?"

"No."

"How well did you know her?"

"I never met her. She's a doll!" Bones rubbed a hand over his face in exasperation.

"How well do you know the scene?"

"…It's my hotel room."

"Oh _is_ it?"

"We knew that already," pointed out Spock, looking up from where he was furiously scribbling notes.

"Right." Jim shook his head. "Well, there's still one very important question I want to ask. Why didn't you come to my tea party?"

Bones opened his mouth, but paused. "Huh?"

"I had a chair for you! And I even made you an invitation." Jim pouted.

"Er, yes, you did." Bones scratched his head. "Well, Jim… I had work to do."

"Work? All you ever do is work. We never have fun anymore." Jim sat down discontentedly. "What happened to _us?!"_

"Jeez. If it meant so much to you, you should've… I would've…" Bones put his face in his hands. "Do you want me to come after you find the murderer?"

"…Okay."

"I do not believe that the doctor is our man," said Spock, putting his stylus behind one pointed ear. The little cat had wandered off, and, between that and the skirt, he was a little annoyed. "Are you done?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"Let's move on, then. I believe that Nurse Chapel and Lt. Uhura are the next most likely suspects. They had access to the room and prior acquaintance with the tea party crowd."

"All right, then," said Kirk, regaining some of his vigor. "Let's go find them, then." He took Spock's hand and led the way off down the corridor in search of the womenfolk. As he told Spock, they would be easy to find if they had a bloodhound. Women always wore sultry perfume.

When Spock pointed out that they didn't have a bloodhound, Kirk got a terrifying speculative look on his face. He glanced sideways at Spock.

Spock sighed.

* * *

Yep. Reviews? :3


End file.
